The Nature of Jacob's Fear Might not be what We Thought - Parasha Vayishlach, Genesis 32:4-36:43

On Yom Kippur we do T’shuvah (returning to our better selves) that can include repentance, and therefore the need to ask for forgiveness.  In so doing Jewish tradition recognizes that we have a dual relationship to T’shuvah; Bein Adam Lamakom, between an individual and God, and Bein Adam Lachavoro, between an individual and another individual.  Seeking forgiveness from God when we have wronged another only has so much value when in reality we need to approach the wronged person and ask for their forgiveness.  Not an easy task and one that can be fear inducing; what happens if they do not accept what you came to offer?

After 22 years this is what Jacob is dealing with concerning his estranged brother Esau. Prior to their meeting we read that Jacob more than once had struggled with his connection to God (Bein Adam Lamakom) but now it’s a familiar connection that he must overcome in is brother (Bein Adam Lechavoro), a brother that he wronged more than once.  More than likely with that “fearful gut feeling” Jacob watched as his brother approached him, with his 400 men; the Torah tells us; “Esau ran to greet him. He embraced him and, falling on his neck, he kissed him; and they wept” (Gen. 33:4), Jacob was probably a little confused although maybe that was what he hoped for. Yet before that encounter, we read when Jacob heard that Esau was coming with his small army, he was “greatly frightened in his anxiety” (Gen. 32:8).  A Midrash (Bereshit R. 76:2) asks the question why use two different words that carry the same meaning?  In response, to that Midrash, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks writes that those emotions are “physical and psychological,” making them perhaps similar but not identical although the result was the same - Jacob feared what might happen.  Further according to that same Midrash Jacob just did not respond the way he did because he was afraid of Esau’s words 22 years earlier, although while you cannot say that was not in play on some level, his concern was more so the unknown in the present. In this case Jacob’s “fear” was about what might happen to him whereas his “anxiety” was that he might have to kill to protect what was his. While Jacob is flying blind regarding what might happen he does not want that to impact how he reacts to meeting his brother once again.

After the two brothers embrace, Esau looks at all that Jacob has (instinctively knowing that his brother wants to appease him), and says “I have enough, my brother; let what you have remain yours.” In response Jacob then says “No, I pray you; if you would do me this favor, accept from me this gift; for to see your face is like seeing the face of God, and you have received me favorably. Please accept my present which has been brought to you, for God has favored me and I have plenty. And when he urged him, he (Esau) accepted” (Gen. 33:9-11).  In v. 10 Jacob brings his “tribute” (minchati, lit. ‘My tribute’) to his brother and in v.11 that tribute he calls a “gift” (birchati, lit. ‘My gift’).  In this case Jacob just did not want to bring Esau any old gift but wanted to give him his rightful blessing (same root as birchati, which is baruch that means "to bless"). Jacob is recalling that his brother missed his blessing so many years earlier and wants to, with no strings attached, bless his brother in the present.  This would be how Jacob asked for forgiveness from his brother (Bein Adam Lachavoro). 

To Jacob’s hope Esau accepted his gift, and they made amends, but I do not think Jacob's willingness to give was contingent on how Esau responded. Surely Jacob was willing to address the past but was more concerned about the present and beyond, but what happened if Esau rejected his gesture?  On that topic Jewish tradition teaches that after seeking forgiveness three times you have fulfilled your obligation, but the wronged person is also obligated to forgive, although it surely does not always work that way.  Jacob could have been shunned, rejected, made to grovel, shammed or been the subject of revenge. In their cultural tribal disrespect was met with violence, but this story, and later with Joseph and his brothers not to mention Yom Kippur, the Bibles view of forgiveness is about love and reconciliation not vengeance.

Today, why don’t people have that attitude, even people of the Bible, asking for forgiveness and it being accepted is illusive. I will be honest; I do not always find it easy going to others I have wronged (or have been misunderstood by) because I am fearful of how they might react, even more so those who are close to me like family and friends. What happens if my gesture is thrown back in my face, what if my desire to make amends is not embraced and the conflict continues, what happens if they belittle me and make me feel unworthy, what happens if I did not get any results, what is the point?  I might be a Rabbi but I am human with emotions. I know others who share those questions, and it is too bad that we even have to carry, and in too many cases bury, those concerns. Other times it’s not about forgiveness but being beholden; I know you want to give me something but then I owe you, so no thanks – taking away or losing out on someone just wanting to be kind.  So here is where Jacob is our example; he gives a gift for reconciliation and does get what he wants, but he gave his gift regardless of how his brother reacted.  Maybe if we stuck our neck out a bit more albeit an apology or just simply acts of kindness we might be presently surprised how others respond; that is the Jewish way after all.

Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Adam